


gasoline

by picht



Category: Bandom, Gerard Way and the Hormones, My Chemical Romance, frnkiero andthe cellabration
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Band, Bipolar Disorder, Delusions, Depression, Dissociation, Intrusive Thoughts, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mental Illness, OCD, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, Psychosis, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, i absolutely fucking refuse to tag this as mental institutions, mental health facilities
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-05
Updated: 2016-03-05
Packaged: 2018-05-24 17:45:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,121
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6161440
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/picht/pseuds/picht
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Gerard’s way of telling time is pretty simple. He quantifies things as Before and After. <em>Before</em> he sunk this low, and <em>after</em> he started feeling constantly suicidal. The Gerard from Before was pretty cool, he thinks. He had the energy to do a lot more stuff, and he was so carefree and worriless. The Gerard that exists right now mostly goes back and forth between sleeping, crying, wanting to die, and thinking he’s already dead.</p>
            </blockquote>





	gasoline

**Author's Note:**

> i was worried about writing this because i was worried it would be inappropriate to write a real person as having mental health issues they don't actually have, but someone told me as long as i didn't like romanticize it or anything they thought it'd be okay, so i was like. cool.
> 
> honestly tbh if i'm being honest with you, MOST of the reason i wrote this was because every single mental health facility fic i've ever read is absolutely awful and i wanted to write one that's not so bad. nothing here is romanticized or misconstrued, this all comes from my personal experience with mental illness, even down to the experience in the mental health facility and the diagnoses the only thing not based off my experience is that gerard liked his therapist in the facility b/c i absolutely hated my inpatient therapist he was mean as hell. i just wanted to write a fic where a character was as Crazy as i am but the only fandom i'm in right now is mcr rpf, so.
> 
> the title is from the song gasoline by halsey btw.

It’s the nights that are the worst.

When it’s dark, and Gerard is in his room all alone, and there’s no one there to ground him (no one can ground him _anyway_ even if there _is_ someone there, but those times he at least can pretend he has some way of preventing it).

The only light in the room is the light from his alarm clock, telling him that it’s two in the morning in harsh, bright red digits. But Gerard doesn’t need to know what time it is. What Gerard needs to know is whether or not he’s fucking _real_.

Gerard lays there and scratches at his arms till he leaves marks, like maybe if he scratches hard enough it’ll prove that he’s alive and real, but it doesn’t help. Nothing ever helps.

Gerard’s way of telling time is pretty simple. He quantifies things as _Before_ and _After_. Before he sunk this low, and after he started feeling constantly suicidal. The Gerard from Before was pretty cool, he thinks. He had the energy to do a lot more stuff, and he was so carefree and worriless. The Gerard that exists right now mostly goes back and forth between sleeping, crying, wanting to die, and thinking he’s already dead.

(“What’s going on in that big head of yours, Gee? Thinking about Frank?” Mikey asks, because he knows all about Gerard’s crush and he frequently likes to tease Gerard about it. Gerard can’t exactly say _I’m thinking about murdering everyone in this room_ , though, so instead he makes up some shit about a comic that he’s not actually writing.)

***

Gerard meets Frank on a Saturday.

Frank is Mikey’s new friend from school, and they’re sitting on the couch playing video games when Gerard comes up from his room. Gerard is in the middle of a delusion and doesn’t really feel like interacting with anyone, but also he doesn’t want to be rude, so when Frank says hi, Gerard says it back.

Gerard doesn’t really know how to use his words to describe a _lot_ of things in ways that aren’t weird and cryptic and somewhat concerning, but he _especially_ doesn’t know how to use his words to describe Frank.

Frank is sixteen and angry about life in general. He’s in a band and plays actual _shows_ , whereas Gerard is too afraid to show anyone his lyrics. He swears a lot and spits a lot. Perhaps most importantly, Gerard is in love with him.

One day, Frank kisses him. They become a _thing_ , and Gerard feels better about himself and his life for long enough that for a moment he thinks maybe Frank cured him, but no, of course not. Nothing can cure Gerard.

***

Gerard’s good at hiding it, is the thing. He’s _great_ at hiding it, until one day he isn’t.

The shift from _suicide ideation_ to _actively suicidal_ is a pretty subtle one. It’s just like, one minute Gerard wants to kill himself, but feels like he could never actually do it because it would hurt too many people, and then the next, that’s it. He’s going to kill himself.

He gets halfway through a bottle of benadryl before he realizes what he’s doing.

“Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck,” he whispers, hands shaking. “Mom? Mikey?” he yells, as he sort of hobbles out of the bathroom and towards the living room.

“What’s up, Baby?” Gerard’s mom asks when she sees him, and he just starts crying.

“You need to take me to the hospital,” he says.

“Why?”

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, I just overdosed, please take me to the hospital, I’m so sorry,” he says, and then continues to apologize although eventually he becomes pretty unintelligible through the tears.

He doesn’t really remember much beyond his mom getting him in the car and speeding to the hospital, and the next thing he knows he’s waking up in a hospital room and there’s a doctor there, explaining that they had to pump his stomach and that they want to admit him to a mental health facility, and suddenly Gerard has a new way of telling time; Before he was admitted, and After.

***

Being in a mental facility isn’t how Gerard thought it would be. The first day, he has to take his clothes off in front of a nurse so she can search his body for signs of self harm or abuse, and then he has to change into scrubs. He doesn’t get his clothes back.

“You’re on suicide watch,” one of the other boys tells him during free time. “You can’t go to the bathroom or shower without someone watching you, and you aren’t allowed to go outside or go to the cafeteria; you have to stay on the unit. It sucks but you’ll probably get off it in a few days if you’re good and don’t do or say anything to make them think you’re a harm to yourself.”

He has a roommate and they have to sleep with the door open. They go to bed at _eight PM_ , and wake up at six-thirty. He has to go to _school_. He only gets one five minute phone call each night after dinner, which his mom and Mikey share by talking to him on speaker phone. He has group and recreational therapy roughly four hours of the day, independant therapy every other day, and a meeting with the psychiatrist every morning. On Friday, he has family therapy with his mom and Mikey, and he spends most of the time crying.

He’s off suicide watch by the weekend, so he’s allowed to have everyone visit him in the cafeteria for an entire three hours. He’s happy about this until he sees Frank.

Gerard nearly has a panic attack when Frank walks into the cafeteria behind his mom and Mikey. _No_ , he thinks, this isn’t right. Frank can’t see him like this. Frank can’t know he’s this broken. As they walk towards the table Gerard is sitting at, all he can think about is the fact that Frank’s going to break up with him after this.

Frank looks more worried and stressed out than Gerard’s ever seen him, and it’s hard for Gerard to comprehend that _he’s_ the reason Frank looks that way. _He’s_ the one that made Frank so worried and stressed.

They sit down at the table, his mom says, “Hey, Baby,” and Gerard just starts crying.

“Hey, Mom,” he whispers, and hiccups.

“How are you doing? How are they treating you?”

“It’s not that bad,” he says. “Everyone’s nice and the food is okay and the school is easy. We mostly just talk about our feelings and write in journals, and they have lots of coloring sheets and markers and crayons for us, and they let me draw stuff as long as it’s not morbid. I like my therapist a lot.” They talk for a while, him and his mom and Mikey. Frank stays silent.

Eventually, his mom and Mikey get up and walk away, to give him and Frank some space. “Gee…” Frank says quietly, and Gerard starts crying again. “What’s going on? Why didn’t I know you were like this?” Gerard cries harder.

“Please don’t break up with me,” He says. “I’m sorry that I’m crazy and I didn’t tell you, but please don’t break up with me.” Frank looks heartbroken.

“Baby, no, I’m not going to break up with you,” Frank says. “You’re not _crazy_ but even if you were I still wouldn’t break up with you. Gerard, _I love you_. I just wish you had told me you were going through this, and maybe I could have helped you.”

“You couldn’t have,” Gerard says. “You couldn’t have helped me, I’m so sorry, but nothing could have helped me. I’m not even sure being in here will help me,” he says, and means it.

***

Gerard gets discharged about a week and a half after he arrives to the facility. It’s on a Friday, after family therapy with his mom and Mikey. They go straight from family therapy to discharge. Gerard cries on the car ride home.

His therapist makes him sign a Suicide Prevention Plan, on which he has to write out people he’ll call if he starts to feel suicidal or like he’s going to hurt himself, and coping skills he’ll use instead of doing something harmful to himself. It feels kind of cheesy and unnecessary to him, but he signs it anyway so that they’ll let him go.

He has an appointment with an outpatient therapist already scheduled, and everything is going good. He’s not suicidal anymore. He’s ready to go home.

He stays at home for a day without contacting anyone, and then on Sunday he calls Frank. “I’m back,” he says, and Frank doesn’t even say anything beyond telling Gerard that he’s on his way to his house right now.

The doorbell rings five minutes after the phonecall, and all Gerard can think about is that Frank must have been speeding to get there that fast. He’s scared to see Frank, but excited. He takes a moment to compose himself, and then opens the door.

He’s expecting some big movie moment reunion with jumping into each other’s arms or something, but when he opens the door, they just kind of stare at each other for a few seconds. Eventually Frank says, “Is it cool if I hug you or not?” and all Gerard can do is nod, wide-eyed. _Then_ Frank leaps into Gerard’s arms so that Gerard makes an _oof noise_ , but they don’t fall on the floor so Gerard counts it as a win.

They just stand there and hug for a while, and then Frank says, “Can I kiss you now?” but he doesn’t even really wait for Gerard to respond, he just immediately goes in for a kiss. Gerard _melts_ , he’s missed this so much. They stand there and kiss for a while before they decide they should maybe relocate to Gerard’s room.

They walk down to the basement and sit on his bed, and there’s silence for a moment before Gerard finally says, “I have some stuff I need to tell you.” Frank gestures for him to go on. “I have Bipolar Disorder, OCD, and Psychosis. I have intrusive thoughts, and I constantly think about hurting myself and other people. I think about hurting people and killing people and how easy it would be. Sometimes I think about hurting and killing people I know, including you.” Gerard’s been staring at the floor for a while now, but at this he glances up to Frank’s face. He’s trying to get some idea of what Frank’s reaction to this is, but Frank remains stoic. 

“I have delusions that lead to dissociation, where I think I’m dead, or not real, or in a coma, or that none of my surroundings are real and I’m hallucinating everything. I have mood swings and mood episodes. Sometimes I get depressed for no reason. Sometimes I get manic. Sometimes I’m both. No matter what mood I’m in, my moods and feelings are more intense and deeper than normal people’s moods and feelings. I was put on two mood stabilizers, an antidepressant, and an antipsychotic while in the facility, and I have to take them every day.” Frank’s still not really showing any signs that this is affecting him at all. Gerard continues. 

"There’s nothing that can really help the intrusive thoughts and OCD except for therapy, but I have a therapist now and I’m going to be seeing them every week. The good news is, I’m not longer depressed or suicidal. I’m probably always going to have the delusions and the intrusive thoughts, and I’m probably going to become depressed again at some point, but it’s okay. I know how to cope with it now." 

"Gee…” Frank says, but Gerard interrupts him. 

“I’m telling you all this, so that you know what you’re getting yourself into. If you want to break up with me, I understand, but please let me know now rather than trying to fix me or something, and breaking up with me once you realize I can’t be fixed.” 

“Baby,” Frank says. “I would _never_ break up with you over this. _I love you_. What we have is the _real deal_ , okay, I’m not gonna just throw that away. I appreciate you trusting me enough to tell me all this, though, and I hope you know that you can talk to me about anything any time.” Gerard has to kiss him after that. 

They kiss for a while, and then Gerard pulls away to say, “I love you, too,” and he thinks, well, maybe things will turn out okay after all. 

**Author's Note:**

> welp.


End file.
